Whats Ok In Our Marriage? #4 “Dirty” Words, Sexually Explicit Material, and Masturbation

So today we are talking about “dirty” words, sexually explicit material, and masturbation. One of the things in marriage is we always need to change it up sometimes. The items that we are going over today are commonly looked over and thought of as sinful at the core. Gods word does not say that these certain things are sinful. When these become sinful is when they are hurtful, dishonoring the other person, adding other people into the play, or doing them out of selfish reasons. Me and my husband incorporate many things into our bedroom experience. Gods word says, “ 12I am allowed to do all things, but not everything is good for me to do! Even if I am free to do all things, I will not do them if I think it would be hard for me to stop when I know I should.”   1 Corinthians 6:12 So many things we encounter these days in out marriage are things that we need communicate to each other about.  So I hope this information comes to you well and that this answers some questions about these issues.

 

 

“Dirty” Words
Can we use slang terms to refer to sex organs and acts? What about words that have both a sexual and profane meaning? The Bible certainly warns us about the words we use, but is that warning about the word, or the meaning of the word? Many words that we use in everyday communication have alternative meanings that are rude, gross, or profane. If some group starts using the word “baptize” to refer to an orgy in a pool, must we abandon that word because someone has given it a meaning we do not like?

It seems to us that it is the meaning of our words that is important, not the sound the words make and what others may mean by the same sound. Because those around us cannot know what we mean when we use a word, we must be careful not to offend; but in our marriage, we can discuss various words and know what they mean to us. If a couple agrees that a word is simply a reference to a part of the body or a sex act, and if neither person finds the word offensive, then we see no harm in the words, no matter what they are.

Some will ask, “why not just use the ‘proper words’”? Unfortunately, the proper words we have to communicate about sex tend to be cold and clinical. Trying to express the emotion and desire of sex with these words is difficult to impossible. Do phrases like, “Please initiate coitus immediately” or “My sexual climax is imminent,” communicate the thoughts and feelings as well as a more “colorful” phrase would?

Ultimately, this is a very personal issue, and one which each couple must work out for their marriage. Please don’t use terms that make either of you feel uncomfortable.

 

 

Sexually explicit material

We have used this term instead of erotica or pornography, because sexually explicit material covers a broad spectrum of material. Some want to reject anything which has any hint of sexuality in it, but in the original Hebrew the Song of Songs is extremely erotic, and very explicit. A truly accurate translation of the Song would be so sexual you could not broadcast it over the radio in the United States!

This makes the issue much less clear than we would like it to be. Any attempt to define a “line” for sexually explicit material could cause some to walk into sin, by encouraging them to do what they do not have the ability to do without sin. A line could also be a source of condemnation for some who are not in sin. Check here for a more complete discussion of the dangers of pornography from The Marriage Bed. In this article we will limit ourselves to giving some parameters each couple should apply when deciding what is and is not acceptable for them as a couple.

  • The Bible tells us not to do anything that will offend the “weaker brother” (Romans 14:1-23). If your spouse thinks it’s a sin to eat meat, then you are not to eat it in their presence, even though you know it’s not a sin. Surely, we need to apply this same thinking to any sexual materials we may read or view. If it troubles your spouse even a little bit, that is enough of a reason to not own the material in question – even if it’s a Christian book with nothing more than sketches, or this web site!
  • Everything a couple includes in their sex life should build them up, and direct them towards each other. Sexually explicit material can easily cause unrealistic or impossible expectations, cause doubt about how we look, or make us feel inadequate. Obviously, these things are destructive, and any material that causes such feelings needs to be excluded.
  • God is concerned with our hearts, not just our actions. If what we read or view causes us to desire or fantasize about sinful sexual activities, then we have sinned in our hearts.
  • Finally, we are told that there are things which are not sinful, but are also not profitable. We must decide if there is any good to come from something, and weigh that against any bad that could come from it.

Please understand that we are not trying to provide cover here for those who wish to make porn a part of their marriage: we are not. Sexually explicit material is a major cause of sexual problems in marriages, and “better safe than sorry” would be a wise course of action if there is any doubt. On the other hand, we do not want to encourage legalism, or suggest that one couple’s “liberty be determined by someone else’s conscience?” (1 Corinthians 10:29) Seek God on this, and He will guide you. If you have any doubt, don’t do it, “for whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” (Romans 14:23)

 

 

Masturbation

It is our belief that masturbation is not inherently wrong, but there do seem to be some very valid concerns about masturbation by married folks. We are commanded to meet our spouse’s sexual needs, and any masturbation which limits our ability to do this is wrong. Additionally, if we feel a need to masturbate, that may well be a sign our spouse is not meeting our needs. However, what if one person has a much stronger sex drive? It seems to us that this does not “relieve” the less-interested person of responsibility for meeting their spouse’s sexual needs. If masturbation is needed more than occasionally, it may well be a sign of a problem. It is especially a concern if a person’s spouse is unaware of masturbation, or is unaware of how frequent masturbation occurs.

What if one spouse in unable to have sex because of sickness or physical limitations? In this situation, masturbation seems a reasonable option, but we would suggest it is best done in the presence of the spouse. This significantly reduces the chances of wrong thoughts, and allows the partner to be a part of the activity by holding the one masturbating, offering some form of stimulation, or describing what they could be doing if they were both able to have sex.

A different issue is mutual masturbation: a couple watching each other masturbate. Most men, and many women, find this very arousing, and it can be informative as well. As a frequent alternative to more interactive sex, mutual masturbation could be a problem, but we know of no biblical or medical reasons why it would be wrong or unwise to do this from time to time.

Blessings today as you go through these issues and we hope that questions have been somewhat answered on these subjects. If you want more info on any of these subjects then just leave a comment or email us at feedback@threepassionslingerie.com

Christina

Three Passions

 

Next up:  #5 Public Nudity, Public Sex, Role-play, and Photos/Videos

 

Thank you to The Marriage Bed for these insightful subjects.

 

Items worth looking into

Whats Ok In Our Marriage? Day 3: Anal Intercourse and Stimulation, Sex Toys and Phone Sex

Three Passions Lingerie Blog

So in our next blog of this series we are talking about more personal things like anal intercourse, stimulation, sex toys, and phone sex. If any of these are a sensitive subject to any of you I just ask that you do not pass judgement on anyone else who do not feel the same way. We are here to give knowledge and hope to shed light on subjects that we all seem to not want to talk too much about but are always questioning about in our minds.

These subjects are not mentioned in the Bible so that is the reason that we are covering these subjects a few at a time to allow time to sink in and ponder on and even dive into the Word yourself. We welcome comments but will not approve comments that we deem are inappropriate, mean, or judgmental.

Anal “Intercourse”

Anal intercourse involves inserting the penis into the anus. Many believe that the Bible speaks against this, but it does not. Homosexual anal sex is forbidden, but then so is homosexual manual sex or even homosexual kissing – thus we cannot use homosexuality as a way of proving that anal sex is wrong.

On the other hand, there are some very real, and potentially very harmful, medical considerations concerning this activity. First, the anus is not “clean” from a bacterial standpoint, and anything which comes into contact with the anus can spread disease or infections.

Another problem is that the anus is not designed for “two-way traffic,” nor is it designed to be stretched open as far and for as long as anal sex causes. Those who practice anal sex repeat the mantra of “go slow and use lots of lubricant;” unfortunately, this is not always enough. We have had discussions with a couple of women who suffered permanent problems from anal sex even though they followed “the mantra.” While such damage may be very rare, it can be very serious, and may even require surgery. Possible damage includes rectal prolapse, anal fissures, and aggravation of hemorrhoids.

The issue of anal sex is difficult to study because it is a primary sex act of homosexual men, and as such saying anything against it can be seen as attacking homosexuality. Additionally, most of the research done on anal sex has been done on homosexuals, and focuses on disease transmission. Given that the average male anus is larger than the average female anus, we would think that rates of damage amount women would be higher than among men.

Therefore, while the Bible does not prohibit anal intercourse, there are medical considerations that make it a gamble. We feel that if you are going to pursue this to see if it is right for your marriage I suggest reading some articles from Christian Nymphos.  For more on this also see an article by the Penners.

Always remember communication is your best bet in your marriage. When this is talked about keep an open mind with your spouse and stay away from judgements. If one person isn’t wanting to include this play into their lovemaking then honor them by not being forceful or by inducing guilt on them. Every now and then talk about it and see if their minds have changed because that happens alot. Let them discover for themselves if it is something that they want to pursue or not. Always keep them in mind.

Anal stimulation

Aside from anal intercourse, the anus can be stimulated with an inanimate object, fingers, and (sorry about this) the mouth. Unless the object used is large, this kind of stimulation is unlikely to cause physical damage. Oral stimulation is clearly a problem, and all other forms of stimulation do pose a cleanliness problem. This form of stimulation is far less dangerous than anal intercourse, but it is not without risks.

Sex Toys

Sex toys cover a broad spectrum of items that are designed to enhance physical pleasure. Because of the variety of items, it’s hard to discuss them as a group. Note: we could include things like lingerie and flavored lubricants in this category and the same considerations apply. We see no scriptural prohibition on toys, nor any way in which toys violate any scriptural guidelines. In general, this is something each couple has to decide for themselves, but we will offer a few things to consider.

Some items may not be safe to use. For example, there are devices known as penis rings which are placed around the base of the penis to improve or maintain an erection. Most of these rings are safe, but a fixed ring that has no release could be very dangerous if it’s too small. It’s also noted by most manufacturers that the rings should not be used for more than 30 minutes at a time. Vacuum devices (used on the penis, the vulva, the clitoris or the breasts/nipples) and anything used to restrain a person also pose potential problems if they are not properly designed and used.

Some items designed to resemble parts of the male or female body are actually “modeled” after a real person, usually an actor or actress from pornographic movies. While it’s not clear that this is a sin to use such a product, most Christians are opposed to it for obvious reasons. If an item is not advertised as being modeled after someone, it’s just a generic sculpture.

If a sex toy is used, it should be as an enhancement, not the center of attention. If it brings the couple closer, and results in one or both of them enjoying sex more, that is good. If it results in either person feeling badly or uncomfortable, that is not good.

The biggest obstacle to sex toys for most Christians may be finding a way to buy them without being exposed to objectionable products and pornography. In Europe, some items are available in respectable shops, but in America many items can only be found in specialized stores that are not “Christian friendly”. Some lingerie shops may have small assortments of toys, but in general, the best choices are mail order and web shopping.

*We are not aware of a mail order company we could feel good about recommending. Additionally, many mail order companies sell their mailing lists, so ordering from a company that sells sexually oriented items could result in you receiving mail for other companies which sell things you don’t even want to know exist!*

Here at Three Passions Lingerie we do NOT sell or give your information to ANYONE!
For more on sex toys, see the Sex Toys article from The Marriage Bed.

Phone Sex

Phone sex is sharing sexual thoughts and fantasies on the phone, and it is often done while masturbating. As long as this is done privately with one’s spouse, we see no reason why it would be wrong, and if a couple must be separated phone sex can be a good way to deal with sexual tensions while remaining somewhat sexually connected. Just be sure you are not being listened in on by co-workers or children on an extension phone!

Thank you to The Marriage Bed for this very informative subjects.

Be sure to check our other articles in this series:

What’s Ok In Our Marriage?

What’s Ok In Our Marriage? Day 2: Manual Sex, Oral Sex, and Menstruation Sex.

Blessings!!

Christina

Three Passions