Whats Ok In Our Marriage? Day 2: Manual Sex, Oral Sex, Menstruation Sex

So as in the last post we mentioned a list of things we will be going over to address things that we may not know is ok or not in our marriages. Today we are going to address the first three that we have on the list, Manual Sex, oral sex, and sex during a menstrual period. As we work down the list there will be days when even though it may sound vulgar but these will be issues that need to be addressed.We hope that in this first set that some questions will be answered or at least help you on your search to find the answers. Also please be advised that there may also include some discussions that some of you may not agree to or like so I caution you to proceed if you are easily offended.

Remember communication is your best bet. Talk with your spouse and be open to their ideas also. God wants us to enjoy our sex lives with each other. Why else would He make it so enjoyable. We all want that connection with our spouse and the way to do that is to be open and communicate what you like, what you don’t like, as well as getting the past behind you. When you talk about things that have hurt you to your spouse things will start to flow eventually. The trick is to always talk about your feelings and yourself instead of criticizing your partner by saying, “You always do this”, or “you never…”. Don’t get stuck in the you, you, you. Keep it to “I feel like I am not listened to.” or ” I feel liked I am not loved when…” And when it comes your time to listen? You truly listen. Repeat what they said exactly, don’t change their words to what you think they are saying, so that feel that you heard what they said. Doing these two things can drastically change the relationship.

Manual Sex

Manual sex is using the hands to sexually stimulate your spouse’s genitals. It can be done as foreplay, or as a way of causing orgasm. Manual sex does not violate any of the principles we have given, and there are even strong hints of it in the Song of Songs. We can see no reason not to use our hands to arouse each other before intercourse or to have an orgasm before, after, or instead of intercourse.

Manual sex can be a good way to deal with seriously mismatched sex drives. While some people think of manual sex as a “juvenile” act of limited pleasure, it’s possible to become very skilled at giving a great deal of pleasure with your hands. Also there are multiple positions that you could also test out to give you or your spouse greater stimulation and/or orgasms during lovemaking. We encourage you to get skilled for your spouse.

Oral Sex

Oral sex is using the mouth to sexually stimulate your spouse’s genitals. Oral can be done as foreplay, or to bring about orgasm. As with manual sex, there are no hints of prohibition in the Bible, and many scholars of the Song of Songs are convinced that several passages describe oral sex being performed on both the man and the woman. (Song of Songs 2:3, the woman performing oral sex on the man, and Song of Songs 4:16 and possibly 8:2 for the man doing it to the woman).

One common concern is cleanliness. In reality the genitals of a healthy man or woman are actually “cleaner” than our mouths. The taste or odor of the genitals may put some off, but often this is more of a mental response than a physical one. In fact, many are aroused by the smell of their partner’s clean genitals.

Some folks have a strong aversion to the idea of oral sex. Often this is the result of some teaching that is less than accurate, or a negative feeling about the genitals or sex in general. Pressuring such a person for oral sex will only result in arguments and hard feelings. On the other hand, there are those who think they are missing one of the best things sex has to offer if they don’t experience oral sex. This is probably due to the influence, directly or indirectly, of pornography. While oral sex can be very enjoyable, it is not the end-all of sexual acts, and there are other ways of producing similar pleasure. Couples who are at odds over oral sex need to give each other some room, and they should each privately examine their feelings about oral sex.

One word of caution medically – blowing into the vagina can be dangerous, particularly if the woman is pregnant.

Sex During Menstruation

The Old Testament law had many rules about “body fluids,” including not having sex during menstruation. Because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, we are no longer under the Law, and we do not have to avoid eating pork, avoid clothes made of two materials, or avoid marital relations during menstruation. Some suggest abstaining from sex during menstruation is a part of the Law we are supposed to still keep, but these same people ignore all the other restrictions given for a menstruating woman; among other things menstruating women were not allowed to cook or share a bed with their husband. There is no biblically valid way to separate the Old Testament instructions regarding menstruation into two categories, so we must either follow all of them or be free from all of them. To go deeper into this, we have a great general teaching on the Law of Moses by Bro. Buddy Martin.

From a medical standpoint, sex during menstruation is not a problem for most couples. There is an increased risk with regard to sexually transmitted diseases, but this should not be a concern for married Christian couples. Apart from such diseases, the menstrual flow is not contaminated or dangerous, and intercourse poses no danger to her or her husband.

In fact, sex during menstruation seems to be beneficial to a woman’s health. Orgasm releases natural painkillers into the blood stream, and the contractions associated with orgasm can help reduce cramping. Additionally, a study done at Yale suggests that regularly having an orgasm during menstruation may reduce the incidence of endometriosis. The current hypothesis is that the uterine contractions of orgasm helps to expel fluid from the uterus, reducing the chances of fluid going the wrong way up the Fallopian tubes and into the body. Additionally, some women find that sex during menstruation speeds up the flow afterwards, shortening the length of their period.

On the downside, there is some evidence that shows a weak link between orgasm during menstruation and very heavy bleeding in the last few years before menopause. However, heavier periods at this time of life are common, and what is not known is if orgasm causes an actual increase in total fluid for the cycle, or if it just causes the fluid to be released more heavily for a shorter period of time. If a woman approaching menopause is having a problem with heavy periods, abstaining from orgasm during her period might help and might not – but it would certainly be worth trying.

Tomorrow we will be going over Anal sex, Anal stimulation, Sex toys, and Phone sex. When all of these articles are finished we will be linking to them directly so these will be easier to find or you can be able to go to the article that you are most interested on.

So we hope this article has helped with some questions in these areas. If you need more questions answered we would certainly do our best to answer them. Email us with any questions you may have.

See you tomorrow!!

Christina

Three Passions

Thank you to The Marriage Bed for so much information for us and others!

What’s ok in our marriage?

I had forgotten to repost this to start the series. So here is the first Day then follow this post up with Day 2 to read the first three things that we are going over in the series. I do ask that if you comment on any of these articles in this series that you keep an open mind and do not ridicule others for the things that they feel differently on. We aren’t here to judge but to learn.

 

Many relationships suffer because most people are either afraid of doing things that may be wrong sexually or are afraid to communicate it to their spouse for fear of being ridiculed or shunned by them.

As you notice the main word in both these statements id FEAR. First things first, lets get one thing straight, FEAR is not of God. It is something that will keep you in bondage and from growing in your relationships, (with God, family, friends, spouse) if it is not dealt with. So before I go any further PLEASE pray about the fear that you have and release it to the Lord and start anew. Now that we have that out of the way lets get started.

When me and my husband weren’t saved there was many things that we had done that would shame the Christian. We were into pornography, considering a threesome, and MUCH comparison with the people that was in the porn. And then when we came to the Lord we truly repented of our sin against Him and then started creating our new life. It was almost an instant transformation in our marriage. But that isn’t to say that there was a new set of problems. We really became obsessed with making sure in every way we were leading a moral life and to us at that time we had really thought very shortsightedly that only certain kinds of lingerie were acceptable, certain positions during sex were acceptable, certain gestures were acceptable, and so on and so on. Eventually our relationship started to suffer because we were so worried about things not being ok that we were no longer having fun and our sex life was nil to none. It really was a growing experience in our marriage. We figured if it wasn’t in the Bible we weren’t gonna do it. But there is a reason why certain things are not in the Bible is because that thing which you may be contemplating in your relationship may just require a mutual consent between you and your spouse. Meaning communication is key! Here is what we learned about what the Bible DOES say:

  • We are to abstain from immoral sex. The Bible tells us the following are sin:
            1. Galatians 5:19, 1 Corinthians 7:2 & 36Fornication/unmarried sex
            2. Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:27:   Adultery
            3. Leviticus 18:22 , Romans 1:26-27:   Homosexuality
            4. Leviticus 18:23 & 20:15-16:   Bestiality
            5. Leviticus 19:29, Deuteronomy 23:17, Proverbs 23:27, 1 Corinthians 6:15-16:   Prostitution
            6. Leviticus 18:6:   Incest
  • We are to only have sex in marriage;  one man and one woman. (Matthew 19:4-5, 1 Timothy 3:2 & 12)
  • We are expected to lovingly meet the legitimate sexual needs and wants of our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

All these above are all direct biblical commands.

In addition there are requirements set out for us as believers (which we also apply to our roles as husbands and wives), which add the following restrictions:

  • Love for our spouse, and respect for the bodies and minds God created, this requires us to avoid anything which can cause problems: (Ephesians 5:29 & 33, 1 Corinthians 6:19)
      • physically
      • medically
      • emotionally
      • mentally
      • spiritually
      • relationally
  • We should never push or force our spouse to compromise what they believe. (Romans 14:1 & 14 & 23)
  • We should not be controlled by anything. Even God does not control you.(1 Corinthians 6:12 & 10:23)

Anything that doesn’t violate these principles are ok. It’s said that it’s important that our sexual activities benefit our sense of intimacy and oneness as a couple. It’s also important for a couple to have regular intercourse, if they are able to. Science has shown that all sex is not alike, and intercourse has effects on our bodies, minds, and emotions (and we believe our spirits) that no other sex act can match and affects all of us differently. But there are also those who say it’s a sin for a man to ejaculate anywhere other than a woman’s vagina. We find nothing in the Bible which says this, and nothing which seems to even hint this is the case. The only place in the Bible the even says anything on this case is Genesis 38:8-10 which Onan was clearly told to give his brother an heir but since Onan knew that the heir wouldn’t be his own he spilled his seed on the ground and the Lord was displeased because that was between Onan, Judah, and the Lord and nothing is ever spoken about ejaculation being a sin therefore, we see no reason to limit sex or climax to intercourse. However, a couple who avoids intercourse frequently is cheating themselves out of something God intended them to have because God says that sex is a gift.

To help us understand the variety of sex acts possible, and the fact that each couple will engage in a different subset of these sex acts, we like the analogy of a playground; the marriage bed playground. There is a fence around the playground – a fence that separates a couple from sex acts that are dangerous, sinful, or otherwise unacceptable. Inside the fence are a great number of pieces of playground equipment (sex acts) that a couple may enjoy if they so desire. What each couple enjoys varies just as preferences in playground equipment vary. If he gets dizzy and sick on things that spin, the merry-go-round is not a good choice. If she is uncomfortable with heights, that very tall slide is a bad idea. If they both enjoy him pushing her in the swing, but neither is big on her pushing him, that’s just fine. Start with a few things and over time test out others. If something is not enjoyable to either of you, leave it. However, do come back around to things you didn’t like the first time – our tastes change, and some things we didn’t enjoy early on may be a lot more fun years later.

But where is the fence? What is inside the fence, and what is outside? Let’s consider some specific bedroom activities and apply the principles above. Please keep in mind that we are not recommending any of these activities, we are only trying to give couples a framework for deciding which sexual activities will build their marriage, and which may damage it. How you feel about these things will be influenced by personal preferences, past experience, and your understanding of the Word.

Today lets first list the different types of situations and examples that we all have heard of or know of from personal experiences. Then over the next few days I will go in depth on each of these.

Here are the topics we will go into more in depth on as the days pass.

1.  Manual Sex:

Which in our opinion includes many types of positions, for instance: Man on top, woman on top, and “doggie” style or woman on her knees while man enters from behind. Manual sex is pretty much meant that only the two of you are using your own hands and bodies as stimulation with no outside or oral stimulation.

2.  Oral Sex:  

Sexually arousing or stimulating your spouse with the mouth.

3.  Sex During Menstruation:

Having sex while a woman is menstruating or on her period.

4.  Anal Intercourse:

Sex where the penis is inserted into the anus.

5.  Anal Stimulation:

The anus is stimulated with an inanimate object, fingers, and (sorry about this) the mouth.

6.  Sex Toys:

Where a broad spectrum of items that are designed to enhance physical pleasure.

7.  Phone Sex:

Sharing sexual thoughts and fantasies on the phone, and it is often done while masturbating.

8.  “Dirty” Words:

Words you would not otherwise use outside the bedroom to describe organs, body, or the person.

9.  Sexually explicit material:

Sexually explicit material covers a broad spectrum of material not just pornography or erotica. So this topic might be helpful for those that have this question.

10.  Masturbation:

Self pleasuring.

11.  Public Nudity:

While this seems obviously wrong to many, there are those who ask “why?” so we will try to address that question.

12.  Public Sex:

Obviously it’s wrong to have sex where others can see you – but what about where others might see you? We will cover some questions on this issue.

13.  Role Play and Fantasy Play:

This is another area which is difficult because it covers a very wide array of things. There is certainly a difference between fantasizing you and your spouse are making love on the beach of a deserted island, and imagining having an adulterous affair. We hope that this topic will help relieve some questions about dress-up, role-playing, and fantasizing.

14.  Using Photos and Video Cameras:

We are discussing the private use of cameras or video cams. Since there is no prohibition of seeing each other naked, there would seem to be no prohibition of seeing pictures of each other naked. However, there are issues to consider. We will go over this issue more on a later date.

15.  Fetishes:

An individual with a fetish either can’t have sex, or can’t enjoy sex, without engaging in the fetish or fantasizing about it. More on this topic later.

16.  Adult Nursing:

Adult nursing means the husband nurses the wife.

17.  Bondage, Spanking and BDSM:

BDSM means bondage, discipline (or domination), sadomasochism (or slave-master or submission). This is a wide category with unclear boundaries; at “low levels”, playing at these things is fine provided both husband and wife enjoy them. However, all these things can be, or can become, fetishes, and then are wrong for that reason (see above in Fetish). Questions will be answered on this subject.

18.  Watersports and Scat:

Using urination (as opposed to female ejaculation) and defecation as a part of sex.

19.  Erotic Asphyxiation:


Restricting oxygen flow to the brain by choking, otherwise compressing the carotid arteries, or limiting oxygen intake. Yes this happens alot and we wanted it addressed.

So today I hope that we have started to resurface some of the issues that commonly come up when we get married and are always questioning whats ok and not ok. Be sure to check back tomorrow to read the first of our series of whats ok in our marriage in the world view versus Gods view.

Blessings!

Tim and Christina
Three Passions