Ok ladies, us women have to understand our husbands sexuality as much as our own. This series I found is a great series. I hope you take it to heart and really pray about why you feel the way you do toward your husbands. There are times when it is us wives that are causing the problem. I know this because I have been through it not long ago. A while ago when I was withholding sex from my husband because I didn’t feel like it or never initiated or just did it to satisfy his appetite, I was causing him to feel guilt when he wanted it and felt unloved. Because I was showing him that I didn’t want him through my body language. Not until I went through a womens study with examination of myself and honest communication with my husband did things start to change. Search your hearts and seek Gods heart in your marriage. I guarantee that change, divine change, will come for your husband and you.
Blessings and enjoy!
Author Robert Byrne once quipped, “Anyone who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.” This humorous statement hits home with what any adult with a brain knows: Sex is very, very important to men. Research consistently shows that between 80 and 90 percent of men view sex as the most important aspect of their marriage. When asked what one thing they would like to change in their marriages, they wish that their wives would be more interested in sex and more willing to initiate physical intimacy. Marriage experts Gary and Barbara Rosberg surveyed men about their sexual needs. The vast majority of men indicated that mutual pleasure and female initiation of sex were among their primary sexual needs.
No doubt, our sexually explicit culture plays into the prominence of sex on a man’s mind. He can’t open the newspaper, turn on the television, surf the Net, or walk into a mall without being reminded of sexual desire. Yet long before the Internet or bikinis were invented, sexuality was an extremely powerful force in men’s lives. History teaches us as much.
David and Bathsheba. Samson and Delilah. Reuben and Bilhah. Scripture is filled with references to and examples of men falling into sexual temptation. Archaeological discoveries reveal that civilizations thousands of years ago had houses of prostitution. Solomon’s warnings in Proverbs and the exaltations in Song of Songs written 3,000 years ago are completely relevant today. Time and culture have changed the venues of expression, yet the power of a man’s sex drive has remained a constant force of both intimacy and destruction.
Before we go too much further, let me acknowledge that you may be married to a man who falls into the 10 to 20 percent of men for whom sex isn’t all-consuming. Although sex may not be as dominant a factor in your husband’s life, it doesn’t discount the fact that it’s important. In fact, many men who avoid or minimize the impact of sex in their lives do so because of past painful experiences or because of the fear of future failure. Regardless of how often your husband thinks or talks about sex, make no mistake, it is a vital aspect of who he is as a man.
Understanding His Sexuality
Your husband doesn’t want you to have sex with him because you feel guilty; he wants you to want to be with him!
Although the average wife acknowledges that her husband’s sex drive is stronger than hers, she still tends to underestimate the impact this one aspect has on their relationship. According to a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don’t believe that women understand a man’s sex drive. Husbands feel alone with their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives. For many men, their attempts to bridge the gap have been met with disinterest or even disdain.
From the female perspective, male sexuality is often viewed as a sordid desire. It seems to represent the worst of masculinity — passion without love, drive without self-control, sensuality without sensitivity. I’ve talked to more than one wife who would rather pretend that her husband’s sexuality just didn’t exist. At best, women tend to compartmentalize their husbands’ sexuality. Sex represents Mr. Hyde, tainting an otherwise moral and approachable Dr. Jekyll. Here’s how one woman put it:
Although we have a pretty good marriage, sex feels like another chore on my list. I hate that my husband thinks about it so much and that he always wants it. I dread going to bed, fearing that he’ll ask me for sex. Sometimes I find things to do around the house, hoping that he’ll fall asleep before I’m ready for bed. I just wish I could shut him off somehow.
Truth be told, many wives can identify with this sentiment. Over time, their sex life has become a burden. They feel guilty for withholding and responsible to keep their husbands pure, but mostly they wish the whole ordeal could just be put on hold for a couple of years.
When we think about the relationship between sex and guilt, the natural link is feeling guilty about sexually immoral behavior, a flirtation at work, or a checkered past. Although these aspects of sexual sin often result in tremendous guilt, I believe even more women struggle with the “guilties” of not meeting their husbands’ sexual needs.
Practically everything a Christian wife hears or reads about sex revolves around the message “Your husband needs sex, so give it up.” After a hefty dose of guilt, she resolves to make sex more of a priority in her marriage. Her resolve lasts a while, but eventually she becomes resentful. She and her husband may be having sex more often, but it’s not getting any better.
Although feeling guilty can cause you to examine your heart and actions, it isn’t a good long-term motivator for change. Your sex life won’t significantly improve because you feel bad about not meeting your husband’s needs or because you’re afraid he will cheat on you otherwise. Feelings of guilt are simply an indication that something is wrong. If you don’t take the time to examine the underlying problem, you’ll continue in the cycle of reacting to your guilt temporarily, only to fall into the same pattern of resentment. Besides, your husband doesn’t want you to have sex with him because you feel guilty; he wants you to want to be with him!
This series is all about understanding your husband’s sexuality and why sex is so important to your marriage, from his perspective. Please understand, this information isn’t intended to add to your guilt. Instead, I pray that this series will challenge your heart. As you more fully understand the place of sex in your husband’s life, my hope is that you will catch a glimpse of the bigger picture of sex in your marriage. Guilt won’t last, but a change based on love will.
From No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex & Intimacy in Marriage, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. © 2009 Julianna Slattery. Used by permission.
- What’s A Wife To Do? (intentionalwarriors.com)
- Forgiveness (threepassionslingerie.wordpress.com)
- How To Seduce Your Husband (threepassionslingerie.wordpress.com)
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