So here is our last article in the series. As we finish this series we hope that it has helped in some way to inform you of things that are or aren’t ok in YOUR marriage. Remember MOST things are pretty much open in your marriage as long as you honor each other and respect each other with what they themselves are ok with. Just be sure to pray about it with each other and by yourselves. God made sex as a gift and He wants us to enjoy each others sexuality and love each other for who we are in Him. And don’t forget to HAVE FUN! 😉
So here we go!
An individual with a fetish either can’t have sex, or can’t enjoy sex, without engaging in the fetish or fantasizing about it. Common fetishes are items like leather or high heels, activities like spanking, a man dressing up as a woman, or an inordinate fascination with body parts like feet or certain sized breasts. It’s often hard to draw a clear line, since a preference is not a fetish until it becomes required for normal sexual function. For example, some people have an oral sex fetish, but most who enjoy oral sex do not have a fetish and can have sex without it.
Many folks say “It’s harmless, just go along.” However, the Bible tells us not to be controlled by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12), and we feel a fetish violates this scriptural principle. Fetishes are far more common in men than in women, and most fetishes seem to be a result of something that happened fairly early in life or early in a person’s sexual awareness. Fetishes can be dealt with through therapy, but only if the person wants to change. (The AACC has some people trained to help with this.)
Adult nursing means the husband nurses the wife. While this would include a man “sampling” breast milk while his wife is nursing a baby, having an “adult nursing relationship” means much more than this. Serious adult nursers continue long after the children have stopped nursing, maybe even after they have grown and left home. Others come to adult nursing after the woman has stopped nursing children, working very diligently to “re-lactate” so the woman has milk for the husband.
Those who have this kind of relationship say it is a real blessing to them, and their marriage. Most freely admit it is at least partly a sexual thing, but many say it is far more than just sexual. Having done some searching we cannot find any evidence that there are health reasons to avoid adult nursing, nor can we find a biblical principle that would preclude it. For some it may be a fetish, but for some it is not. As long as both husband and wife understand the dedication it takes to keep the milk flowing, and both are fine with that, we cannot see a reason to say adult nursing is wrong. That said, we wonder if it is not usually an attempt to fix something broken in the relationship, or provide something missing. There are probably other, easier, ways to deal with broken or missing things!
BDSM means bondage, discipline (or domination), sadomasochism (or slave-master or submission). This is a wide category with unclear boundaries; at “low levels”, playing at these things is fine provided both husband and wife enjoy them. However, all these things can be, or can become, fetishes, and then are wrong for that reason (see above in Fetish). BDSM is openly sexual, and is different from so-called “Domestic Discipline” To read more on this subject click on the link.
- Bondage: Tying a partner up can be very arousing for both of the one tied and the one who not tied. It can show a sense of trust, and can allow the bound person to feel free to do nothing and just receive. If bondage is mutually enjoyed and not extreme, we see no reason not to make it a part of a couple’s sex life. Some people practice bondage in a way that causes pain, making it a form of S&M.
- Spanking: There are valid biological reasons why mild pain can be arousing. Spanking, scratching and biting all fit into this category. We can find no scriptural or scientific reason to avoid this so long as both partners agree to it. However, if the pain is more than mild, this moves into S&M.
- S&M: A sadist is sexually aroused by causing pain; a masochist is sexually aroused by receiving pain. Aside from the fact that this is virtually always a fetish, we do not see either behavior to be compatible with who God has called us to be. Desires for S&M may be a result of sexual or physical abuse in the past, or may reveal problems with self-image or self-confidence.
- Dominance and Discipline: Sexual arousal from dominating or punishing another, or from being dominated or punished. This involves humiliation and degradation, and again we do not see it as compatible with who God calls us to be.
Watersports and Scat
Using urination (as opposed to female ejaculation) and defecation as a part of sex.
- Scat: Because feces is bacterially unclean, defecation as a part of sex is unwise for medical reasons.
- Water sports: Urine is normally sterile, so there are no medical issues. On the other hand, there is no good evidence that urine has inherently biological reasons for being sexual or sexually simulating, so it’s likely that this is usually, if not always, a fetish. In addition, most people would see this as degrading to the person being urinated on.
This is restricting oxygen flow to the brain by choking, otherwise compressing the carotid arteries, or limiting oxygen intake. Reduced oxygen and a build up of carbon dioxide in the brain results in euphoria, and this can make sex and especially orgasm more powerful.
The massive downside is that this can also cause death. A person who has reached the point of oxygen deprivation that gives the “thrill” has also passed the point of being able to judge when they need to stop. Even if the event is being controlled by the spouse, there is no way to know where damage can occur. Additionally, underlying medical conditions mean that what would be “safe” for one person could be deadly for another.
It seems very clear to us that it is not loving to risk death to give your spouse a sexual thrill. So we believe that this should not be practiced.
Surely we have not covered everything in these articles, but hopefully we have given you a framework for discussing things and a way of determining whether something will build or harm your marriage. Talk and pray together to find what is right for your marriage.
Here are some other resources to consider:
We hope this will help you in your marriage as much as it has helped ours to understand that sometimes God gives us things that we need to choose for ourselves if it will benefit us or not help us. That is the joy and freedom we have in Him.
Thank you to Paul & Lori Byerly from The Marriage Bed for offering such extensive help and research in these subjects.
Tim and Christina Smith
Three Passions Lingerie and Gifts
- What’s ok in our marriage?
- Whats Ok In Our Marriage: Day 2: Manual Sex, Oral Sex, Menstruation Sex
- Whats Ok In Our Marriage? Day 3: Anal Intercourse and Stimulation, Sex Toys and Phone Sex
- Whats Ok In Our Marriage? #4 “Dirty” Words, Sexually Explicit Material, and Masturbation
- Whats Ok In Our Marriage? #5 Public Nudity, Public Sex, Role-play, and Photos/Videos