So as in the last post we mentioned a list of things we will be going over to address things that we may not know is ok or not in our marriages. Today we are going to address the first three that we have on the list, Manual Sex, oral sex, and sex during a menstrual period. As we work down the list there will be days when even though it may sound vulgar but these will be issues that need to be addressed.We hope that in this first set that some questions will be answered or at least help you on your search to find the answers. Also please be advised that there may also include some discussions that some of you may not agree to or like so I caution you to proceed if you are easily offended.
Remember communication is your best bet. Talk with your spouse and be open to their ideas also. God wants us to enjoy our sex lives with each other. Why else would He make it so enjoyable. We all want that connection with our spouse and the way to do that is to be open and communicate what you like, what you don’t like, as well as getting the past behind you. When you talk about things that have hurt you to your spouse things will start to flow eventually. The trick is to always talk about your feelings and yourself instead of criticizing your partner by saying, “You always do this”, or “you never…”. Don’t get stuck in the you, you, you. Keep it to “I feel like I am not listened to.” or ” I feel liked I am not loved when…” And when it comes your time to listen? You truly listen. Repeat what they said exactly, don’t change their words to what you think they are saying, so that feel that you heard what they said. Doing these two things can drastically change the relationship.
Manual sex is using the hands to sexually stimulate your spouse’s genitals. It can be done as foreplay, or as a way of causing orgasm. Manual sex does not violate any of the principles we have given, and there are even strong hints of it in the Song of Songs. We can see no reason not to use our hands to arouse each other before intercourse or to have an orgasm before, after, or instead of intercourse.
Manual sex can be a good way to deal with seriously mismatched sex drives. While some people think of manual sex as a “juvenile” act of limited pleasure, it’s possible to become very skilled at giving a great deal of pleasure with your hands. Also there are multiple positions that you could also test out to give you or your spouse greater stimulation and/or orgasms during lovemaking. We encourage you to get skilled for your spouse.
Oral sex is using the mouth to sexually stimulate your spouse’s genitals. Oral can be done as foreplay, or to bring about orgasm. As with manual sex, there are no hints of prohibition in the Bible, and many scholars of the Song of Songs are convinced that several passages describe oral sex being performed on both the man and the woman. (Song of Songs 2:3, the woman performing oral sex on the man, and Song of Songs 4:16 and possibly 8:2 for the man doing it to the woman).
One common concern is cleanliness. In reality the genitals of a healthy man or woman are actually “cleaner” than our mouths. The taste or odor of the genitals may put some off, but often this is more of a mental response than a physical one. In fact, many are aroused by the smell of their partner’s clean genitals.
Some folks have a strong aversion to the idea of oral sex. Often this is the result of some teaching that is less than accurate, or a negative feeling about the genitals or sex in general. Pressuring such a person for oral sex will only result in arguments and hard feelings. On the other hand, there are those who think they are missing one of the best things sex has to offer if they don’t experience oral sex. This is probably due to the influence, directly or indirectly, of pornography. While oral sex can be very enjoyable, it is not the end-all of sexual acts, and there are other ways of producing similar pleasure. Couples who are at odds over oral sex need to give each other some room, and they should each privately examine their feelings about oral sex.
One word of caution medically – blowing into the vagina can be dangerous, particularly if the woman is pregnant.
Sex During Menstruation
The Old Testament law had many rules about “body fluids,” including not having sex during menstruation. Because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, we are no longer under the Law, and we do not have to avoid eating pork, avoid clothes made of two materials, or avoid marital relations during menstruation. Some suggest abstaining from sex during menstruation is a part of the Law we are supposed to still keep, but these same people ignore all the other restrictions given for a menstruating woman; among other things menstruating women were not allowed to cook or share a bed with their husband. There is no biblically valid way to separate the Old Testament instructions regarding menstruation into two categories, so we must either follow all of them or be free from all of them. To go deeper into this, we have a great general teaching on the Law of Moses by Bro. Buddy Martin.
From a medical standpoint, sex during menstruation is not a problem for most couples. There is an increased risk with regard to sexually transmitted diseases, but this should not be a concern for married Christian couples. Apart from such diseases, the menstrual flow is not contaminated or dangerous, and intercourse poses no danger to her or her husband.
In fact, sex during menstruation seems to be beneficial to a woman’s health. Orgasm releases natural painkillers into the blood stream, and the contractions associated with orgasm can help reduce cramping. Additionally, a study done at Yale suggests that regularly having an orgasm during menstruation may reduce the incidence of endometriosis. The current hypothesis is that the uterine contractions of orgasm helps to expel fluid from the uterus, reducing the chances of fluid going the wrong way up the Fallopian tubes and into the body. Additionally, some women find that sex during menstruation speeds up the flow afterwards, shortening the length of their period.
On the downside, there is some evidence that shows a weak link between orgasm during menstruation and very heavy bleeding in the last few years before menopause. However, heavier periods at this time of life are common, and what is not known is if orgasm causes an actual increase in total fluid for the cycle, or if it just causes the fluid to be released more heavily for a shorter period of time. If a woman approaching menopause is having a problem with heavy periods, abstaining from orgasm during her period might help and might not – but it would certainly be worth trying.
Tomorrow we will be going over Anal sex, Anal stimulation, Sex toys, and Phone sex. When all of these articles are finished we will be linking to them directly so these will be easier to find or you can be able to go to the article that you are most interested on.
So we hope this article has helped with some questions in these areas. If you need more questions answered we would certainly do our best to answer them. Email us with any questions you may have.
See you tomorrow!!
Thank you to The Marriage Bed for so much information for us and others!