Category Archives: Marriage Builders

Humility and Self-Forgetfulness

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At Christmas my loving husband got me a gift certificate to a trustworthy tattoo and piercing place. This article goes on the a little bit. But I had been praying about it for a long time and decided I wanted a tattoo that represented Christ in my life for the same reason that the gentleman in this article did. While this isn’t the main focus of the article the idea is. I pray that this is prayed upon and pondered and blessed as you all go about your day today!

Blessings!

Christina

Three Passions

 

While humility is not often praised in society today, it is a characteristic that Christ displayed at every turn. Marriage offers the perfect testing grounds for humility.

What comes to mind when you hear the word “humility?” When used outside of the context of the Bible, humility usually refers to a quality in someone who we might consider weak or lowly. A quick look at some synonyms reveals words like meek, modest, submissive, unassuming and humble. These are not necessarily characteristics that are pushed in society today, but certainly ones that Jesus pursued and that we should too.

Would you consider yourself to be a humble person? Although we know that being humble is the right thing to do, it is difficult to put into practice. When I do well in a presentation at work, I want to let people know it went well. When your child wins the championship, you want to tell people about it. We even start the sentence with words like, “I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but…”

Tattooed for Christ

A perfect example: I recently got a tattoo on my arm. (I won’t go into the details, but it was a birthday present to myself.) I decided to get a Bible verse instead of just a design of some kind. My reason for doing this is so that if people see the tattoo and don’t know what it means, they will ask me what the verse says, which may lead into further conversation. The verse I chose for my tattoo was Philippians 4:13, which is “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

The irony here is this: I’m telling all my friends that the reason I got a tattoo that’s “biblical” is so I can have the opportunity to share my faith. Is it possible, however, that I made this “great Christian decision” just so I can brag to people that I made that decision? Are you following me? I’d like to think that I did it for the right reason. But, did I?

I’ve heard it said before that the moment we realize we’re being humble, we’re not any more. So, I’ve now come to realize that we can’t look at humility the way the world sees it. Instead, if we look at humility from a Godly perspective, it sounds something like this:

“Humility means understanding who God is and who we are in light of him.”

How does it feel to look at yourself from that point of view? When I first heard this definition of humility, it truly resonated with me. The apostle Peter gives great supporting content to this definition when he says:

But all of you, leaders and followers alike, are to be down to earth with each other, for God has had it with the proud, but takes delight in just plain people.

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. (1 Peter 5:5-7, The Message)

Do you consider yourself “down to earth?” Would your friends describe you as “plain people?” Would your spouse say that you “put on airs” or that you live “carefree before God?” When we understand who God is and who we are in light of Him, it becomes more evident that we are nothing without Him! If we start to look at daily activities and situations from this perspective, it will change the way we think, act and speak.

Self-forgetfulness

John Ortberg, in The Life You’ve Always Wanted, says, “Humility has to do with submitted willingness. It involves a healthy self-forgetfulness.” In marriage, that is key! “Self-forgetfulness” is quite possibly the most valuable word in marriage. And, at the same time, it is indeed one of the most difficult to implement. But, when a marriage consists of a husband and wife whose ultimate goal is to do whatever it takes to please God and please the other person, that marriage will succeed.

Christ, who was the only one with every right to be arrogant and prideful, chose to humble Himself:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross! (Phil. 2:5-8, NIV)

Jesus Christ has set the perfect example for us to follow – in life and in marriage. Becoming more like Christ in your marriage will not happen overnight. It will take persistence. It will take perseverance. It will take flexibility. And, most of all, it will take love: a love that shows your spouse that you are more concerned with his or her needs and desires than your own; a love that serves without an attitude; a love that forgives unconditionally.

And in the end, that kind of love will have revealed a glimpse of Jesus to your spouse. They will have seen Jesus in you.

Copyright © 2008, Matthew J. White.

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Are You Serving With The Right Attitude?

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I absolutely love these articles from Mathew J. White. He is real and these articles make me think every time. Enjoy these and pray about this yourself.

Are you truly serving your spouse with the right attitude?  ;-)

Serving With the Right Attitude

Serving your spouse should be considered an opportunity and conducted with joy. Jesus was the perfect example of serving with the right attitude.

Imagine you’re sitting down to watch the debut of a new sitcom called “Married to Jesus.” (Roll with me for a minute, here.) You’re excited because it’s been the talk of all the entertainment news shows for weeks. There has been a ton of build up, but the details of the show have managed to be kept hidden. What you do know is that it’s not about Jesus of Nazareth, but a modern-day guy named Jesus who lives in the suburbs of Cincinnati with his wife and four children. The story line is basically this: What if all the characteristics of Jesus Christ were present in a family man from Cincinnati?

The opening scene goes something like this:

(It’s the middle of the night; Jesus and his wife, Sally, are sleeping. You get a glimpse of the clock that reads 3:14 AM.)

“Mom! Mom!” A scared 3-year-old calls from down the hall. “Mom! The monsters are getting me!”

Mom jumps up at the sound, but Jesus is already halfway out of the room and down the hall. He takes a few minutes to comfort their youngest son, gets him some water and then settles him back in for the night. Jesus returns to the bedroom to a groggy, “Thank you” from Sally.

(Camera fades; opens to a shot looking out the kitchen window to a cold, rainy Cincinnati morning.)

“Honey, I completely forgot!” exclaims Sally. “I need you to pick up the kids after school; get John to indoor soccer, Susan to band practice and Charlie to Sam’s house, and grab the little one from daycare. I am so sorry I didn’t tell you that I had a conference downtown this afternoon.”

“I’ll have to move a few things around, but that shouldn’t be a problem,” responds Jesus. They finish the morning routine, get everyone out to school and get themselves to work.

(Following a commercial break, you find Jesus at work; he’s a carpet salesman at the big carpet chain in town. As the camera pans down to Jesus’ desk, it passes the clock showing the time as 2:53 PM.)

“Bob, I can’t believe what you’re telling me,” Jesus says over the phone. “They want how much carpet, and how soon?” You notice Jesus glancing at the clock as he continues his conversation. “Okay. Let me get this straight: They need 30,000 square feet of carpet – installed – by this Friday? And they are willing to pay whatever it takes to make this happen? Am I hearing this correctly? And, they want me to be out there this afternoon to close the deal?”

Jesus looks up at the clock again, but not in a nervous or stressful manner. He seems very aware of the time and the dire circumstances. “Bob,” Jesus begins again. “This sounds like a great opportunity, but I made a commitment to my wife that I would pick up the kids this afternoon. I have to leave here in just a few minutes to get to the school on time. I know we can get this done, even if we wait until tomorrow morning to sign all the paperwork. Can you let them know this, and please apologize for the inconvenience?” You can hear Bob shouting on the other end, obviously furious at Jesus’ response. “Bob, I promise I’ll take care of everything. I will personally call the customer on my way to get the kids to ensure he understands that we will make this happen by Friday.”

Are you getting the picture here? It may not compare to the Seinfeld classics, comically speaking, but you’d get the sense that this Jesus guy is alright. As the debut continues, and in episode after episode, you see that in every situation, Jesus is more than willing to help out around the house. He gladly plays with the kids when Sally has to take care of some errands. He skips the game with the guys to paint the bathroom. And, he never considers not doing these things an option. He enjoys serving his wife every chance he gets.

And this is where it hits us! I can honestly say that I see myself doing many of these things. I help around the house. I help out with the kids. I take care of the yard work. I bring Anne coffee in the mornings. I join in the vacuuming and wiping down the floors. But, when it comes down to it, do I really do it with a joyful attitude? Do I look at it as an opportunity to show Anne a little bit of Jesus in me? Or do I grunt a little under my breath as I empty the dishwasher for the seventeenth time in three days!

One of the books I most enjoy is The Life You’ve Always Wanted: Spiritual Disciplines for Ordinary People (Christian Softcover Originals)
, by John Ortberg. Through his book, I was given a revelation about Jesus and His life of serving that I had never considered. Ortberg says, “When Jesus came as a servant, he was not disguising who God is. He was revealing who God is.

What an awesome statement! Jesus didn’t come as a child and a carpenter’s son and live a life of serving to hide the fact the He was the son of God. He showed Himself in this way so that He could reveal the true nature of God.

In order to become more like Christ, we must not consider ourselves above anyone, especially our spouse. Instead, the opposite is true. We should be searching for ways to serve our spouse. Every day presents us with opportunities to serve. Seek those out and serve with joy!

Copyright © 2008, Matthew J. White. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Hope you liked this article cause we sure did!
Christina Smith
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How to Seduce Your Husband- Ladies Only ;)

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Seducing your husband

*This article is not for everyone. We believe in our hearts that God wants us to WANT our spouse and believe that certain things require consent and openness to talk to each other. This is one of those things that we believe should be open and talked about to each other to really honor each other knowing what the other wants in their sexual expectation before just doing it. Otherwise have fun with each other!* This article comes from Christian Nymphos.org, a site dedicated to women who want Godly advice, encouragement, and help with their sexuality and love God.

Thank you Christian Nymphos for this article!

Christina

Three Passions

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Whats Ok I Our Marriage? Day 6: Fetishes, Adult Nursing, Bondage/Spanking/BDSM, Watersports/Scat, and Erotic Asphyxiation

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Love is patient, love is kind, love is everlasting

Love is patient, love is kind, love is everlasting

So here is our last article in the series. As we finish this series we hope that it has helped in some way to inform you of things that are or aren’t ok in YOUR marriage. Remember MOST things are pretty much open in your marriage as long as you honor each other and respect each other with what they themselves are ok with. Just be sure to pray about it with each other and by yourselves. God made sex as a gift and He wants us to enjoy each others sexuality and love each other for who we are in Him. And don’t forget to HAVE FUN!  ;-)

So here we go!

Fetishes

An individual with a fetish either can’t have sex, or can’t enjoy sex, without engaging in the fetish or fantasizing about it. Common fetishes are items like leather or high heels, activities like spanking, a man dressing up as a woman, or an inordinate fascination with body parts like feet or certain sized breasts. It’s often hard to draw a clear line, since a preference is not a fetish until it becomes required for normal sexual function. For example, some people have an oral sex fetish, but most who enjoy oral sex do not have a fetish and can have sex without it.

Many folks say “It’s harmless, just go along.” However, the Bible tells us not to be controlled by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12), and we feel a fetish violates this scriptural principle. Fetishes are far more common in men than in women, and most fetishes seem to be a result of something that happened fairly early in life or early in a person’s sexual awareness. Fetishes can be dealt with through therapy, but only if the person wants to change. (The AACC has some people trained to help with this.)

Adult Nursing

Adult nursing means the husband nurses the wife. While this would include a man “sampling” breast milk while his wife is nursing a baby, having an “adult nursing relationship” means much more than this. Serious adult nursers continue long after the children have stopped nursing, maybe even after they have grown and left home. Others come to adult nursing after the woman has stopped nursing children, working very diligently to “re-lactate” so the woman has milk for the husband.

Those who have this kind of relationship say it is a real blessing to them, and their marriage. Most freely admit it is at least partly a sexual thing, but many say it is far more than just sexual. Having done some searching we cannot find any evidence that there are health reasons to avoid adult nursing, nor can we find a biblical principle that would preclude it. For some it may be a fetish, but for some it is not. As long as both husband and wife understand the dedication it takes to keep the milk flowing, and both are fine with that, we cannot see a reason to say adult nursing is wrong. That said, we wonder if it is not usually an attempt to fix something broken in the relationship, or provide something missing. There are probably other, easier, ways to deal with broken or missing things!

Bondage, Spanking and BDSM

BDSM means bondage, discipline (or domination), sadomasochism (or slave-master or submission). This is a wide category with unclear boundaries; at “low levels”, playing at these things is fine provided both husband and wife enjoy them. However, all these things can be, or can become, fetishes, and then are wrong for that reason (see above in Fetish). BDSM is openly sexual, and is different from so-called “Domestic Discipline” To read more on this subject click on the link.

  • Bondage: Tying a partner up can be very arousing for both of the one tied and the one who not tied. It can show a sense of trust, and can allow the bound person to feel free to do nothing and just receive. If bondage is mutually enjoyed and not extreme, we see no reason not to make it a part of a couple’s sex life. Some people practice bondage in a way that causes pain, making it a form of S&M.
  • Spanking: There are valid biological reasons why mild pain can be arousing. Spanking, scratching and biting all fit into this category. We can find no scriptural or scientific reason to avoid this so long as both partners agree to it. However, if the pain is more than mild, this moves into S&M.
  • S&M: A sadist is sexually aroused by causing pain; a masochist is sexually aroused by receiving pain. Aside from the fact that this is virtually always a fetish, we do not see either behavior to be compatible with who God has called us to be. Desires for S&M may be a result of sexual or physical abuse in the past, or may reveal problems with self-image or self-confidence.
  • Dominance and Discipline: Sexual arousal from dominating or punishing another, or from being dominated or punished. This involves humiliation and degradation, and again we do not see it as compatible with who God calls us to be.

Watersports and Scat

Using urination (as opposed to female ejaculation) and defecation as a part of sex.

  • Scat: Because feces is bacterially unclean, defecation as a part of sex is unwise for medical reasons.
  • Water sports: Urine is normally sterile, so there are no medical issues. On the other hand, there is no good evidence that urine has inherently biological reasons for being sexual or sexually simulating, so it’s likely that this is usually, if not always, a fetish. In addition, most people would see this as degrading to the person being urinated on.

Erotic Asphyxiation

This is restricting oxygen flow to the brain by choking, otherwise compressing the carotid arteries, or limiting oxygen intake. Reduced oxygen and a build up of carbon dioxide in the brain results in euphoria, and this can make sex and especially orgasm more powerful.

The massive downside is that this can also cause death. A person who has reached the point of oxygen deprivation that gives the “thrill” has also passed the point of being able to judge when they need to stop. Even if the event is being controlled by the spouse, there is no way to know where damage can occur. Additionally, underlying medical conditions mean that what would be “safe” for one person could be deadly for another.

It seems very clear to us that it is not loving to risk death to give your spouse a sexual thrill. So we believe that this should not be practiced.

Conclusion

Surely we have not covered everything in these articles, but hopefully we have given you a framework for discussing things and a way of determining whether something will build or harm your marriage. Talk and pray together to find what is right for your marriage.

Here are some other resources to consider:

The vagina absorbs things from semen that benefit women

Intercourse benefits blood pressure levels more than other sex acts

Prolactin levels suggest intercourse is more satisfying

Vaginal exposure to semen may reduce chance of breast cancer

More frequent intercourse, but not other sex acts, leads to great satisfaction with sex, life, relationship and mental health

We hope this will help you in your marriage as much as it has helped ours to understand that sometimes God gives us things that we need to choose for ourselves if it will benefit us or not help us. That is the joy and freedom we have in Him.

Thank you to Paul & Lori Byerly from The Marriage Bed for offering such extensive help and research in these subjects.

Tim and Christina Smith
Three Passions Lingerie and Gifts

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Whats Ok In Our Marriage? #5 Public Nudity, Public Sex, Role-play, and Photos/Videos

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Marriage is a commitment. Love is not a feeling it is a choice.

I am so sorry I have not been on for the next issues. It has been a BUSY week and a half.

So we have gone through several issues that some we may inherently know are wrong and others that just aren’t so black and white. Today is Public nudity, public sex, Role-play, and using photos and video cameras. I myself have thought that public nudity in like the nudist places was more “to each his own but I wouldn’t do it”. But diving a little deeper into the subject you start to learn more about it. And also what God says on the matter. Same thing with the other subjects we are discussing today. These can be simple subjects for some for they already know what is not ok in their relationship, others these may be hard issues as they may be involved in one or another  or just pure judgement. I ask that you stay open and willing to listen and learn. With that lets carry on!

Next up on our list,

Public nudity

There are those who call themselves “Christian nudists.” While this seems obviously wrong to many, there are those who ask “why?” so we will try to address that question.

Some suggest they are just returning to the way Adam and Eve were before the fall. The problem with this theory is that we are still a fallen people – redeemed yes, but not yet perfected. We are still subject to the same temptations and lusts, and how can we justify doing something which could be used by another for sin? If we should avoid eating meat in the presence of those who lack such faith, how much more should we avoid being nude? Even if “I” can see others naked and not lust, how can “I” know that everyone else is also able to do that? I can’t, so public nudity is risking being an offense or stumbling block to others.

Some nudists claim that Jewish fishermen worked naked. Their basis for this is the words “stripped down for work” found in the Bible. In reality, these words mean that the outer clothing was removed, while the inner clothing, which still fully covered the body, was left in place. (Besides, no sane man would fish naked – think about it!) This and other twisting of Scriptures are used to try and biblically support nudism, but these are just attempts to make the Bible say what they have already decided to do.

Nudists will also say “it’s not about sex.” But we see that both the Bible and biology say otherwise:

Scripture: When God give us a list, in Leviticus, of people we are not to have sex with (incest), He does not say “don’t have sex.” Instead, He tells us not to “uncover” or “discover” their nakedness. Given how explicit God is in other parts of the Bible, we cannot dismiss this as a euphemism designed to avoid talking plainly. God limited nakedness because He knew that nudity is inherently sexual, and fallen people often lack the self-control to avoid falling into lust, and following that lust into sex acts.

Science has shown that certain parts of the body are inherently sexual. Not because of our culture, but because of the biology God gave us. Pheromones (we call them airborne hormones) can have a major effect on others: they are what cause women who live together to “cycle” together, and they cause a man to have a slight rise and fall in his sex drive that follows his wife’s cycle. There are certain parts of the body that emit large amounts of these sexual pheromones: the underarms, the genitals, the aureoles of men and women, and the navel of women are the “biggies.” When these parts of the body are covered with clothes, the clothes capture most of the pheromones; when we are naked, the quantity of pheromones reaching others rises significantly. Therefore, being nude means you are sending a lot stronger sexual signals to those around you.

Public Sex

Obviously it’s wrong to have sex where others can see you – but what about where others might see you? This ranges from sex in the car in a public place to manually stimulating each other in a movie theater to making out on a beach to sex in your own back yard.

Those who do this say the thrill of getting caught makes the sex great. Others are turned on by doing something sexual around others who are unaware of what is happening. The first seems clearly wrong to us – if you “get caught” you have exposed your sexuality in a way that is wrong. The second is more difficult as it depends on how truly unaware others are, and how unlikely it is you will be discovered or suspected. If you are wrapped in a blanket on a secluded part of a beach, you’re sitting up, and you are caressing sexually, you won’t look suspicious if someone walks by. On the other hand, if you do something in a movie theater, it’s very likely that someone will see, hear or smell something that will make them suspect you are doing something sexual. The first seems acceptable, the second does not.

It seems to us that those who are after the thrill won’t be able to find a way that is safe enough to prevent suspicion while still providing the thrill. On the other hand, if you have always felt it would be great to have sex on the beach, or under the stars, or while watching a thunderstorm, because of the awesome backdrop, then you can probably find way to do it without any risk of exposing yourselves or offending others.

Role Playing and Fantasy

This is another area which is difficult because it covers a very wide array of things. There is certainly a difference between fantasizing you and your spouse are making love on the beach of a deserted island, and imagining having an adulterous affair.

Since God cares about our thoughts, not just our actions, there must be a line in this that we should not cross, but where is that line? A safe way to approach this is to say it’s wrong to fantasize or act out anything it would be wrong to actually do. This means you must always play yourselves, not a real movie star or someone you know. It also means you must be married in the fantasy.

However, we do not think this means you must limit yourself to things you might actually be able to do. If you want to pretend it’s several hundred years ago and you are a ship captain and a damsel saved from pirates, go for it (you got married at the nearest port). Or maybe you are husband and wife on a spaceship, exploring the bounds of the universe and the bounds of weightless sex. This is especially fun sometimes to really change things up every now and then.

Private photos and videos

Note we are discussing the private use of cameras or video cams. Since there is no prohibition of seeing each other naked, there would seem to be no prohibition of seeing pictures of each other naked. However, there are issues to consider. While there are places which will develop such pictures, this means letting others see them – see public nudity above. Video cameras, Polaroid cameras, and digital cameras on the other hand allow you to take and view pictures without anyone else seeing them. Then the issue is making sure the pictures stay private. If you have anyone in your house that is able to turn a doorknob, you need to secure your pictures to keep them private. Lock up pictures and video tapes, and encrypt digital photos on your computer, or transfer them to a CD that you can lock up.

“Sexting” – sending sexual pictures by phone, would fall into the same category, and would need to follow the same restrictions. If your phone is not password protected, are any sexual images of you and your spouse somehow protected or hidden should someone find your phone?

Next up, we will be discussing Fetishes, Adult Nursing, Bondage/Spanking/BDSM, Watersports/Scat, and Erotic Asphyxiation and the conclusion to this series.

In His Service,

Christina

Three Passions

Thank you to The Marriage Bed for these informative articles.

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What Is Sacrificial Love?

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“Love” can be defined in many ways. Christ’s love for us is an unconditional love, and this is the love we are to seek in marriage.

In my book, Married to Jesus, I tell the story of my love for Blue Bell® ice cream. “The best ice cream in the country” isn’t sold up here in Ohio; so I long for our trips back to Dallas to visit my parents or when we drive down south to connect with my brothers in the Carolinas or Anne’s sister in Tennessee. If you’ve ever tasted Blue Bell, then you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say, “I love that ice cream!”

But, what does loving ice cream have to do with marriage? It makes the point that “love” can take on many forms. I can love ice cream, or I can love my dog. I can love music and love the Cleveland Cavaliers. Love, then, can have different meanings depending on the situation or context.

Agape Love

The kind of love I want to discuss is the love that Christ has for us – the love that we’re supposed to show our spouse every day. If, as Paul said in Ephesians 5:1-2, we are to “be imitators…and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God,” what does that look like for me in my marriage and you in yours?

When Anne was pregnant with our first child, she had a rather awkward craving one night. I can’t remember if there was something in particular that sparked the desire, but we were sitting on the couch one evening when, all of a sudden, she said she wanted a turkey salad. Now, we’re not just talking about any old turkey salad; this had to be a turkey salad from Subway®. And, it had to have shredded lettuce. In fact, she told me that if the first Subway I went to didn’t have shredded lettuce for some reason, then I’d have to find one that did! So, I hopped in the car in search of a shredded lettuce turkey salad from Subway.

Subway was not necessarily close to our house, so it was a bit of a task to respond to this request. I want to believe this was a very small example of what Jesus meant when he said, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13, NIV) Now, certainly, I wasn’t laying down my life for my wife – I just went to get her a salad. But, by sacrificing my time and putting myself aside, I was showing love to her and hopefully giving her a glimpse of Christ in me.

Christ’s love for me goes beyond my love for ice cream, sports or even friends and family. His love is a giving love. It is a sacrificing and selfless love. It is a love that shows itself in action. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus loves us, not because we are attractive or share some interest with Him, but simply because He loves us. So, He made the ultimate sacrifice, giving up everything – all his glory, His life – to serve us.

The Greek word for this sacrificial love is agape. I like this definition of agape love:

“Unconditional love that is always giving and impossible to take or be a taker. It devotes total commitment to seek your highest best no matter how anyone may respond. This form of love is totally selfless and does not change whether the love given is returned or not.”1

Jesus doesn’t expect anything in return. He loves me when I speak to Him daily, spend time in His Word and help an elderly person cross the street. But, He also loves me when I respond with a harsh tone to my kids, yell at the person who cut me off and don’t feel like going to church on Sunday morning. His love is unconditional and is there even when I screw up.

No Keeping Score

So, let’s go back to the Subway story for one more minute. Envision this: I say to Anne tomorrow, “Remember that time ten years ago when I went to Subway to get you that shredded lettuce turkey salad? Why don’t you run up to McDonald’s® and pick me up a cheeseburger, just so we’re even?” That sounds kind of silly, doesn’t it? But, we live with that mentality in our marriage every day.

“I did the dishes, so you should bathe the kids.”
“You got to go out with your friends last weekend, so tonight is my turn.”
“Since you bought that outfit, I went ahead and got the tickets to the game.”

Sacrificial, unconditional, agape love doesn’t keep score. It doesn’t matter how your spouse responds; if you want to love like Jesus loves, you have to put yourself aside. In a sermon entitled “What is Christian Marriage,” Coty Pinckney said, “Agape is a love that gives, a love that does not demand or hold onto rights, but has the good of the other at heart. This is the love we need to work on in our marriage in order for our spouse to feel like he or she is married to Jesus.”2

Copyright © 2008, Matthew J. White. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
This is in the series for Gods Design For Marriage: Does Your Spouse See Jesus In You from Focus On The Family
We hope you benefit from this series as we will also.
With Love!
Christina
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Reading to consider:


What's ok in our marriage?

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Reblogged from Three Passions Lingerie Blog:

Click to visit the original post

I had forgotten to repost this to start the series. So here is the first Day then follow this post up with Day 2 to read the first three things that we are going over in the series. I do ask that if you comment on any of these articles in this series that you keep an open mind and do not ridicule others for the things that they feel differently on.

Read more… 1,689 more words

Here is a post that I blogged about a few months ago but since we are redoing this series I wanted to let everyone know that we are all different and I think it is a good series for us to all get to know. We hope that this series will help you all in your quest for better marriages. If you decide to comment they will be previewed before approved and I just ask that all comments to not be judgemental to one another. And to truly love each other for our differences. Blessings! Christina Three Passions

Does Your Spouse See Jesus in You?

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Sometimes we will get emails or websites that have a great article that we would like to spread the word about.  This article is a great reminder of who we really are and who we need to be when it comes to our spouse. Hope you love this reading as much as we did.

Enjoy!

Does Your Spouse See Jesus in You?

by Matthew J. White

It’s 5:21 in the morning, and the alarm goes off. I roll over and hit the snooze button in hopes of just nine more minutes of sleep before the day begins. At 5:24, my two-year-old quietly – his version of quietly, anyway – enters the room and approaches the bed. I pretend to still be asleep so he’ll walk to the other side and crawl in with Anne (Failure #1).

Once in bed, Ian, our youngest son, starts in with his two-year-old version of whispering. I roll over and pull the covers tight to subtly tell Anne and Ian to keep it down (Failure #2). After a few minutes in that position, I realize he’s not going to be quiet or lay still – which both of us have asked him to do several times. I groggily slither out of bed and head for the closet to get dressed so I can take Ian downstairs.

When I get downstairs, I pull out some muffins and milk for Ian and then head to the basement to watch whatever is on TV at 5:30 a.m. so I can lie down for a few more minutes. I decide I’ll get Anne’s coffee in a little bit (Failure #3).

In just seven minutes, I’ve failed to show my wife love in the same way Jesus loves me! It may seem harsh to beat myself up like this, right? Wrong! If I was really intentional about loving my wife like Jesus loves me, I would have 1) hopped out of bed to try and catch Ian before he woke Anne; 2) taken him into the closet with me while I got dressed, so not to bother his mom; and 3) started the coffee and made Anne a cup so it was waiting when she got up to get in the shower.

Did you see yourself in my situation? If you don’t have kids or it’s been some time since you were there, you can make up another circumstance. This same mentality, where it’s much easier to do the selfish thing, can creep into every part of your day. But, Jesus has set an example for us to follow. And, the first place he wants us to put this into place is in our marriage. The Bible very specifically compares Christ’s relationship with the church directly to the relationship between husband and wife. And as we examine the characteristics of Jesus, we discover exactly what we must do so our spouse will see Christ in us.

It’s not just about being unselfish. If you really want your spouse to see Jesus in you, you have to genuinely put into practice an attitude of becoming more like Christ in everything you do. This is not a simple, one-time event; it is an everyday struggle. It’s not easy to act like Jesus in every situation. In fact, it’s notably difficult. We live in a world where it’s much easier to do what feels good or take the easy way out. But, becoming more like Jesus involves sacrificial love; it takes a servant’s heart; it means forgiving when it’s not easy to forgive; and it takes a concerted effort toward humility and self-forgetfulness!

Copyright © 2008, Matthew J. White. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Thank you to Focus On The Family and Matthew J. White for this article
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What’s ok in our marriage?

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I had forgotten to repost this to start the series. So here is the first Day then follow this post up with Day 2 to read the first three things that we are going over in the series. I do ask that if you comment on any of these articles in this series that you keep an open mind and do not ridicule others for the things that they feel differently on. We aren’t here to judge but to learn.

 

Many relationships suffer because most people are either afraid of doing things that may be wrong sexually or are afraid to communicate it to their spouse for fear of being ridiculed or shunned by them.

As you notice the main word in both these statements id FEAR. First things first, lets get one thing straight, FEAR is not of God. It is something that will keep you in bondage and from growing in your relationships, (with God, family, friends, spouse) if it is not dealt with. So before I go any further PLEASE pray about the fear that you have and release it to the Lord and start anew. Now that we have that out of the way lets get started.

When me and my husband weren’t saved there was many things that we had done that would shame the Christian. We were into pornography, considering a threesome, and MUCH comparison with the people that was in the porn. And then when we came to the Lord we truly repented of our sin against Him and then started creating our new life. It was almost an instant transformation in our marriage. But that isn’t to say that there was a new set of problems. We really became obsessed with making sure in every way we were leading a moral life and to us at that time we had really thought very shortsightedly that only certain kinds of lingerie were acceptable, certain positions during sex were acceptable, certain gestures were acceptable, and so on and so on. Eventually our relationship started to suffer because we were so worried about things not being ok that we were no longer having fun and our sex life was nil to none. It really was a growing experience in our marriage. We figured if it wasn’t in the Bible we weren’t gonna do it. But there is a reason why certain things are not in the Bible is because that thing which you may be contemplating in your relationship may just require a mutual consent between you and your spouse. Meaning communication is key! Here is what we learned about what the Bible DOES say:

  • We are to abstain from immoral sex. The Bible tells us the following are sin:
            1. Galatians 5:19, 1 Corinthians 7:2 & 36 :  Fornication/unmarried sex
            2. Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:27:   Adultery
            3. Leviticus 18:22 , Romans 1:26-27:   Homosexuality
            4. Leviticus 18:23 & 20:15-16:   Bestiality
            5. Leviticus 19:29, Deuteronomy 23:17, Proverbs 23:27, 1 Corinthians 6:15-16:   Prostitution
            6. Leviticus 18:6:   Incest
  • We are to only have sex in marriage;  one man and one woman. (Matthew 19:4-5, 1 Timothy 3:2 & 12)
  • We are expected to lovingly meet the legitimate sexual needs and wants of our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

All these above are all direct biblical commands.

In addition there are requirements set out for us as believers (which we also apply to our roles as husbands and wives), which add the following restrictions:

  • Love for our spouse, and respect for the bodies and minds God created, this requires us to avoid anything which can cause problems: (Ephesians 5:29 & 33, 1 Corinthians 6:19)
      • physically
      • medically
      • emotionally
      • mentally
      • spiritually
      • relationally
  • We should never push or force our spouse to compromise what they believe. (Romans 14:1 & 14 & 23)
  • We should not be controlled by anything. Even God does not control you.(1 Corinthians 6:12 & 10:23)

Anything that doesn’t violate these principles are ok. It’s said that it’s important that our sexual activities benefit our sense of intimacy and oneness as a couple. It’s also important for a couple to have regular intercourse, if they are able to. Science has shown that all sex is not alike, and intercourse has effects on our bodies, minds, and emotions (and we believe our spirits) that no other sex act can match and affects all of us differently. But there are also those who say it’s a sin for a man to ejaculate anywhere other than a woman’s vagina. We find nothing in the Bible which says this, and nothing which seems to even hint this is the case. The only place in the Bible the even says anything on this case is Genesis 38:8-10 which Onan was clearly told to give his brother an heir but since Onan knew that the heir wouldn’t be his own he spilled his seed on the ground and the Lord was displeased because that was between Onan, Judah, and the Lord and nothing is ever spoken about ejaculation being a sin therefore, we see no reason to limit sex or climax to intercourse. However, a couple who avoids intercourse frequently is cheating themselves out of something God intended them to have because God says that sex is a gift.

To help us understand the variety of sex acts possible, and the fact that each couple will engage in a different subset of these sex acts, we like the analogy of a playground; the marriage bed playground. There is a fence around the playground – a fence that separates a couple from sex acts that are dangerous, sinful, or otherwise unacceptable. Inside the fence are a great number of pieces of playground equipment (sex acts) that a couple may enjoy if they so desire. What each couple enjoys varies just as preferences in playground equipment vary. If he gets dizzy and sick on things that spin, the merry-go-round is not a good choice. If she is uncomfortable with heights, that very tall slide is a bad idea. If they both enjoy him pushing her in the swing, but neither is big on her pushing him, that’s just fine. Start with a few things and over time test out others. If something is not enjoyable to either of you, leave it. However, do come back around to things you didn’t like the first time – our tastes change, and some things we didn’t enjoy early on may be a lot more fun years later.

But where is the fence? What is inside the fence, and what is outside? Let’s consider some specific bedroom activities and apply the principles above. Please keep in mind that we are not recommending any of these activities, we are only trying to give couples a framework for deciding which sexual activities will build their marriage, and which may damage it. How you feel about these things will be influenced by personal preferences, past experience, and your understanding of the Word.

Today lets first list the different types of situations and examples that we all have heard of or know of from personal experiences. Then over the next few days I will go in depth on each of these.

Here are the topics we will go into more in depth on as the days pass.

1.  Manual Sex:

Which in our opinion includes many types of positions, for instance: Man on top, woman on top, and “doggie” style or woman on her knees while man enters from behind. Manual sex is pretty much meant that only the two of you are using your own hands and bodies as stimulation with no outside or oral stimulation.

2.  Oral Sex:  

Sexually arousing or stimulating your spouse with the mouth.

3.  Sex During Menstruation:

Having sex while a woman is menstruating or on her period.

4.  Anal Intercourse:

Sex where the penis is inserted into the anus.

5.  Anal Stimulation:

The anus is stimulated with an inanimate object, fingers, and (sorry about this) the mouth.

6.  Sex Toys:

Where a broad spectrum of items that are designed to enhance physical pleasure.

7.  Phone Sex:

Sharing sexual thoughts and fantasies on the phone, and it is often done while masturbating.

8.  “Dirty” Words:

Words you would not otherwise use outside the bedroom to describe organs, body, or the person.

9.  Sexually explicit material:

Sexually explicit material covers a broad spectrum of material not just pornography or erotica. So this topic might be helpful for those that have this question.

10.  Masturbation:

Self pleasuring.

11.  Public Nudity:

While this seems obviously wrong to many, there are those who ask “why?” so we will try to address that question.

12.  Public Sex:

Obviously it’s wrong to have sex where others can see you – but what about where others might see you? We will cover some questions on this issue.

13.  Role Play and Fantasy Play:

This is another area which is difficult because it covers a very wide array of things. There is certainly a difference between fantasizing you and your spouse are making love on the beach of a deserted island, and imagining having an adulterous affair. We hope that this topic will help relieve some questions about dress-up, role-playing, and fantasizing.

14.  Using Photos and Video Cameras:

We are discussing the private use of cameras or video cams. Since there is no prohibition of seeing each other naked, there would seem to be no prohibition of seeing pictures of each other naked. However, there are issues to consider. We will go over this issue more on a later date.

15.  Fetishes:

An individual with a fetish either can’t have sex, or can’t enjoy sex, without engaging in the fetish or fantasizing about it. More on this topic later.

16.  Adult Nursing:

Adult nursing means the husband nurses the wife.

17.  Bondage, Spanking and BDSM:

BDSM means bondage, discipline (or domination), sadomasochism (or slave-master or submission). This is a wide category with unclear boundaries; at “low levels”, playing at these things is fine provided both husband and wife enjoy them. However, all these things can be, or can become, fetishes, and then are wrong for that reason (see above in Fetish). Questions will be answered on this subject.

18.  Watersports and Scat:

Using urination (as opposed to female ejaculation) and defecation as a part of sex.

19.  Erotic Asphyxiation:


Restricting oxygen flow to the brain by choking, otherwise compressing the carotid arteries, or limiting oxygen intake. Yes this happens alot and we wanted it addressed.

So today I hope that we have started to resurface some of the issues that commonly come up when we get married and are always questioning whats ok and not ok. Be sure to check back tomorrow to read the first of our series of whats ok in our marriage in the world view versus Gods view.

Blessings!

Tim and Christina
Three Passions